The Dream

Dear "The Dream,"

I had one of those epiphany moments this morning, where I realized that I am living you - I am living the dream.

I had just sat down to a second breakfast (brunch? early lunch?) on our back deck and I looked down at my plate, and thought, "I'm living the dream! This is what I've always said I wanted."  This was in reaction to the egg and spinach scramble on my plate - eggs from our chickens and spinach that I had picked 7 minutes previously from our garden that is 15 feet away from where I was sitting. And drinking some iced tea from a mason jar leftover from Kyle's party the night before.  And seeing the strand of twinkle lights that were still strung on the railing from the party.  And remembering the 30 or so friends who came to celebrate late into the night. And thanking the Good Lord once again that I have Fridays off this summer. And realizing that we are officially out of salsa as of yesterday, which means that we rationed our homemade salsa nearly perfectly, because these tomatoes should be ready really soon. And hearing the neighbors chat and play in the backyard and getting nostalgic memories of Mexico when I simultaneously get a waft of diesel. And reminding myself (again) that the dream I had of getting a C on my midterm was, in fact, only a dream.  And looking forward to a busy, fun, and maybe even relaxing summer weekend.

Yes, I am definitely living the dream here, people.  So.thankful.

Fondly,
Julie

List of Recent Thoughts and Happenings, aka: “Finding my Big Girl Pants”

Dear List,

1. I.love.lists.

2. It’s been a while. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve been spending time writing good old-fashioned, paper-and-pen letters to people. That’s mostly true. I’m current on birthdays, and am always looking for more recipients, so if you’d like some snail mail, send your address my way…

3. Summer is spectacular. We’re soaking it up here in mpls and loving every second of sunshine. This is evidenced by: some extreme tan lines; increased levels of Vitamin D (I don’t know this for sure, but this is an educated guess); the copious amounts of bug bites on my feet and ankles (while there are probably worse spots to receive a mosquito/horsefly bite, I would argue that the Achilles is the worst appropriate spot on the body to receive one); the miles we’ve been putting on our bikes; the 10.5 pounds of blueberries in our fridge/freezer; the grill cover hasn’t covered the grill since May; the exploding garden (read: the zucchini is taking over again).

4. Babies. So many babies around these parts. Cuteness abounds and it’s hard to handle.

5. Sadly not making it on the annual family vacay to Michigan because of class. But grateful to be taking this class that will allow me to be DONE in December.

6. Still figuring out an internship for the fall. Onto Plan D currently – trying not to be discouraged. Hopeful something will work out. Remembering to wear my big girl pants as my options are quickly dwindling to those that are “outside my comfort zone.”

7. Still processing, reminiscing, reenacting my recent trip to Asia. If I had to pick a favorite memory, I’d say the winding, bumping, nearly motion-sickness-inducing, 8 hour bus ride through the countryside; sitting by two dear friends and soaking in the landscape. I like riding, (not driving so much) and just watching.

8. We’re looking for a house. To buy. Eeek. Kind of overwhelmed by the thought, but really, it’s been a great process so far – steep learning curve, lots of good communication with the boy, and kind people to assist us. Still not sure I’m old enough for this, but trusting this is the right next step (and remembering those big girl pants). Also trying not to make it a big deal (which I absolutely do with most big decisions). I had this word – I think from the Lord – as we sat in our mortgage brokers office, of “It’s okay if it’s easy.” I obviously don’t think this is a life mantra I’ll be applying to all areas of my life (insert scriptural quotations about suffering, perseverance, struggle, etc.), BUT it could be easy. I tend to make things harder than they need to be. Obviously there is wisdom in being prepared and calculating, but I waste too much time and worry contemplating every worst case scenario. When things are going really well, instead of just enjoying it and being thankful, I often am looking around suspiciously waiting for the next crisis or calamity. Maybe this house-buying thing will be simple. Or simpler. Or extremely complicated, stressful, difficult, disappointing, and crisis-ridden.

9. Thinking a lot about “home”. (see #8, obviously). And praying about this. More so than a physical structure of a house (though I’d really like a front porch). Not a lot of coherent thoughts here, except that a.) I like cooking and filling a table with people to eat, b.) I like when people let me in to their “real” lives, at home, c.) I like letting people into my “real” life, at home, d.) I love it when people drop in unannounced (the front porch helps with this), and e.) we have a lot of transient friends and family that we love hosting.

10. I have a business idea. Depending on how life treats me come wintertime, I may just actually work up a real, live business plan and try to launch it. Or maybe not, depending on what my target market financial projection research data tells me.

11. I’m a feminist. You probably already knew that. So did I. But this definition/identity has been evolving in recent months.

12. If I were to write a book, and I’m not going to (a topic for another letter/list/post), it would be about food. And my theology of it. And it’s a good thing I’m not going to write a book, because this is a pretty fad topic right now, and I’d hate to be cliché. I don’t know what the title of the book that I’ll never write would be, but it would most definitely be subtitled, “Why I Believe in Butter.”

13. My husband makes the best bruschetta. He’s a keeper. For a lot of other reasons, too.

So be it,
J

Friday Five

Dear Friday,


5 Things I’m thankful for today:

1. It’s Friday. The week is over. My brain is fried. I need sleep.

2. The folks are coming this weekend. I’m thankful in advance for a fun weekend with them and friends and the Malbec or Cab we’ll share.

3. Spring. Spring rain. Spring flowers. Morning runs in the spring, smelling flowers, and smelling rain. (as an aside, will somebody please remind me how much I actually do like getting up early to work out. Why I seem to forget this when the alarm goes off is beyond me.)

4. Friends who call/email about job leads for me. (No, I’m not currently looking; I’m still trying to sort out what the next few months will look like for me, but) I’m uniquely grateful for people who take the time to do something concrete and tangible. I appreciate encouraging sentiments too, but there’s something HUGE when that sentiment is accompanied by helpful action. Is that a love language? “action steps” “tangible plan” “strategy consultation”…. something like that.

5. Seedling and seed pickup tomorrow. Time to start the garden is fast approaching!

A hip happy Friday to you!

Julie

Good Friday Five

Dear Friday,

5 Thoughts on Good Friday.


1. I can’t wrap my head around Holy Week – that is, that last week of Jesus’ life. This probably isn’t surprising, given the magnitude of all of those events. But I don’t like not having conclusions – and I’m seeing things from different angles that are unfamiliar to me. It’s uncomfortable. I’ve found myself multiple times during the last few weeks simply saying “It matters.” Like, it matters that Jesus came riding into Jerusalem on a donkey and not a war horse a week before he was killed. It matters that Jesus washed the feet of the very one who would hand him over to his killers in a few short hours. It matters that his mode of death was government-sanctioned execution. It matters that he wasn’t even given a proper burial, but rather a disgraceful one.

2. I’ve been calling myself an “Easter orphan” since Kyle has to work all weekend and our original plans to spend time with some family are therefore not happening. This is not the first time that holidays seem weird because we’re adults and have odd work schedules...

3. In light of #2, Kyle and I are trying to start our own traditions. Since I’m well on my way to mastering the art of yeast bread this week (slightly ironic, I agree), I’ve decided that Easter will involve Hot Cross Buns. Come on over.

4. This thought my fried and yours, Fr. Richard Rohr: “Jesus hung in total solidarity with the pain of the world and the far too many lives on this planet that have been "nasty, lonely, brutish, and short.” After the cross, we know that God is not watching human pain, nor apparently always stopping human pain, as much as God is found hanging with us alongside all human pain. Jesus forever tells us that God is found wherever the pain is, which leaves God on both sides of every war, in sympathy with both the pain of the perpetrator and the pain of the victim, with the excluded, the tortured, the abandoned, and the oppressed since the beginning of time. I wonder if we even like that. There are no games of moral superiority left. Yet this is exactly the kind of Lover and the universal Love that humanity needs.” way to keep me up at night, Richard.

5. My understanding of “Gospel” is evolving. The good news is bigger than I realize, I think. I’m constantly asking myself, “but what would be good news to her?” or “what good news does he need to hear?” Some of the time it’s American evangelicalism's typical-but-can’t-be-overstated-because-it’s-so-wonderful news that Jesus died to pay for our sins. Good news indeed. But I’m finding more and more that if I choose to engage rather that isolate myself from this world’s (this city's, this neighborhood's) harsh realities, the good news is so. much. more. At the very least, it must include the truth that “God is with you.” Like yesterday, my little crying friend on the sidewalk, I think the good news that she needed to hear in that moment was not that "Jesus died to pay for your sins," but rather “Jesus is with you. He was with all human pain when he hung on the cross and he's with you now."  I don't mean to minimize the former, but I do think the definition needs to be fuller.

This was weightier than I intended.  It's been a heavy week, and I've been struggling to put things in context (my constant quest). 

Deep breaths,
Julie

World

Dear World,

What are you coming to?


I know: I sound like a crotchety old lady.

But seriously, it’s been one of those weeks where I’ve asked myself a number of times, “Why don’t we live on a rural hobby farm run by a small community of pacifists again?” I’m sure you ask yourself this same question regularly too. You’re in good company.

Anyway, back to the three ways I witnessed evidence that the world is falling apart and humanity as we know it is heading towards certain self-implosion:

1. Man shot. On our block. At 9p.m. on a Monday night. 40 yards from our front door. On the well-lit part of the block that I always opt for when walking home or to a neighbor’s around dusk because it’s “safer” than the not-so-well-lit other portion of the block. I guess I’ll find comfort in that fact that our neighbor’s historical block-activity informant told our neighbor who told Kyle who told me that it wasn’t gang related, it was an altercation between two gentlemen who knew each other and he was “only” shot in the leg – not any major life-sustaining organs. Thanks for the comfort, block-activity informant man.

2. A kid crying on the sidewalk. In broad daylight. Without shoes. Because her parents (I presume) were hurling F-bombs (among other threateningly colorful language) at her at the top of their lungs from halfway down the block. As cars whizzed by during rush hour. And she balled those hopelessly uncontrollable sobs which, for the record, are distinctly different than the I’m-throwing-a-tantrum-because-I-didn’t-get-what-I-wanted cries. This sucks. I don’t like that word and I don’t like this all too common situation. I never know what to do. Way to go, bully parents, you made a precious little girl cry.

3. Work. In domestic violence advocacy. SO thankful for this (temp) job. But it can be overwhelming. People are awful sometimes, and when you engage with this stuff 30 hours a week, it feels like there are more awfuls than goods. People are depraved, systems don’t work, and justice seems rare.

Ugh.

I know why a lot of people choose to isolate themselves from reality.  Denial seems fairly attractive at times like these.

~Julie

Poetry Month

Dear Poetry Month,

I'm not a poet really.  But I'm an appreciator.  That's what I say about music, usually.  I wish I had singing abilities, but since I really don't - I'm an appreciator of music.  The arts need people like me, thank you very much.  Without appreciators, who would be in the audience?

Anyway, back to poetry. 

Thanks to my friend Eva, who celebrates you like nobody else I know, I am reminded every year that April is dedicated to you; poetry. (and probably a number of other activites and people-groups and appropriately-colored ribbon causes).

So, I wrote a poem.  I didn't mean to.  I was merely journaling my thoughts this morning in attempt pray/release/organize them.  Writing provides release for me. (That sounds like something a poet would say.)

So, I share my "poem" with you:


Worried. An I keep trying to look around and find ways to
"solve,"
"fix,"
"control."

When I really need to just be. still.


That's this week, right? To experience and remember again how illogical and miraculous God's plans are.
And full of love. 

Love first, for sure.


So I'll pray to stop attempting to
crunch numbers,
or rewrite schedules,
or say yes to everyone.

And I'll sit back and look around,

and remember.



-J. Patricia McGillicuddy         if I had a pen name, this would totally be it. 

Spring Break

Dear Spring Break,

SO glad you're here.

Though I won't be enjoying any of the tropics-and-tequila sort of spring break activities, I will enjoy you nonetheless.

You couldn't have come at a better time - two weeks of midterm exams and projects along with my temp job being in full-swing coinciding with Kyle's new schedule had left me quite depleted to say the least.  And an extremely disappointing grade on a midterm significantly sucked my confidence.  Oftentimes, after a hugely stressful day or week, I just need a good cry, high quality chocolate, and some come-to-Jesus time and I'm good to go.  This time however, I had three separate cry sessions, two phone calls to mom, and a half of a pint of Ben & Jerry's even though I have supposedly given up sweets for Lent.*

I'm recovered now.  I feel better.  And I found my new favorite ice cream flavor. And found out today that I did well on my other exam, so some confidence is restored.  And SO thankful that I have this week off of school.

Which leads me to:  my Spring Break Six (things I have done or plan to enjoy):
1. Working out.  4-miler outside on this nearly 60 degree day.  #beautiful #thankyoujesus
2. Evening "swims" at the Y with the ladies. (Last night we chatted while treading water for 7 minutes and then shimmied to the hot tub, aka, the pool of the gods - hardly "swimming" I know).
3. Nepal. Booked. Two weeks in May.  8 weeks from now. So unbelievably excited to see a dear friend and travel with another dear friend, and hug a dear friend, and see and smell Nepal, and laugh with dear friends.  (I'm being cryptic because I'm not sure I can post this person's name on the internet - anyone know?  I should have these rules memorized by now....)
4. Celebrating Sarah's birthday - twice and maybe three times if I can talk them into SkyZone (trampoline heaven) on Friday.
5. Chill mornings with time to be by myself and read, drink coffee, and pray.
6. Working ahead on some homework.  So as to avoid another breakdown as previously described.

:)
Julie

*I gave up sweets for Lent. But Sundays aren't included in the 40-day fast.  I don't know if academic-related mental/emotional breakdowns are as well.  Regardless, I think I have worked out a very detailed system whereby I am officially fasting from sweets for exactly 40 days, but shifting the fast-free days of Sunday to other days of the week when I have indulged in sweets (ie: the Ben & Jerry breakdown day).  It's starting to get a little more complicated because I keep finding excuses opportunities to partake of sweets. But I think I'm still on target for the 40 days.  I'm a rule-follower after all.

Wednesday

Dear (Dreary) Wednesday,

Your weather matches how I feel - physically, that is.  I think I have a head cold, but unlike the usual symptoms of such, I can breathe through my nose and I'm not coughing.  Really, my throat hurts and is swollen, I feel dizzy, and I can't hear very well.  Apparently these symptoms manifested themselves in snoring last night.  Hard to believe!  The boy graciously retreated to the futon halfway through the night because I was, ahem, too loud.

Anyway, that's not why we're here.  I thought a general update would do me some good, because with an unpredictable schedule lately, I sometimes forget where my time goes and what the heck I'm doing these days.  And since it's 2:28 in the afternoon in the middle of the week, no one else is around to talk to...

I've been very thankful for small opportunities the last few weeks.  I've been praying that I would use this weird/wonderful/stressful gift of time for good and meaningful things, and God has really responded to this.  I joined a morning Bible Study (more on that later), have been getting healthy amounts of sleep, been able to work out more, met friends during the day, spend much-needed time and mental energy on classwork, and had some last-minute babysitting gigs for some of the cutest in Minneapolis. Not bad.  And I'm still working very part time for a program at work, which has been a nice time-filler as well.

I often feel anxious though - not really so much about finances, but about time.  I have this complex that it's not socially acceptable to work less than 40 hours a week outside the home, unless you are a.) retired b.) a student or c.) caring for offspring or d.) living in Europe where I hear they get it right with shorter work weeks and more vacation time.  I need to remind myself that 1.) I AM a student!  Taking 10 credits.  And just because my classes are in a nontraditional schedule, they still take up a large amount of my time (and should!), and 2.) Who cares what is socially acceptable?!  I have a gift that very few people in this culture have right now: time.  I pray I can use it wisely for God's glory, and 3.) if anyone wants to go to Europe to experience this time/work cultural phenomenon, I'm in.  I have the time.

Well, that felt good. Thanks for listening - I need to remind myself of the big and small ways that God has showed up recently; good reason to trust that he'll continue to!

Off to nap this sickness away...
Julie

2012

Dear 2012,

Why ullo! So glad you're here.

Really.

SO glad.

Because of my love of the Christmas season, I usually get so excited about the holidays that the arrival of January isn't that desired (read: post-Christmas blues).  This year, however, thanks to a stressfulish Christmas, I gladly welcome you, the new year.

And naturally, with the new year, comes new resolutions.  Let's roll....

1.) Be Less Polarizing.  I told you these were going to be epic.  Partially due to some ideas in this amazing talk and some other contemplating/praying/thinking I've been doing, the idea of divisions has been on my mind lately.  Divisions in the church, politics, social classes, and humanity in general.  A lot of times these divisions are exacerbated by polarizing statements or comments that exclude individuals, push entire groups to the margins, and prevent opportunity for interaction (let alone relationship).  My feelings on pacifism are related to this as well: the belief that everyone is worthy of being loved, of being heard, of relationship.  Violence, like some polarizing comments, completely prevents this and essentially makes the statement "you're not worth being in relationship with."
Whew, I didn't realize this was going to start out being so weighty.  Basically, despite the fancy title and that heavy first paragraph, I'm praying for perspective this year: to take a step back from potentially conflictual situations and try and see things from another's point of view and be okay with uncertainty and messiness.

2.) There's Grace for People Like Me.  A friend shared this phrase with me a long time ago and I have come back to it many times.  Though it can sound callous or even patronizing, it. is. true.  And is especially comforting in those moments when you feel absolutely awful about something you said or did, have tried to make it right, and then regardless of how that attempt went, just have sit and deal with the guilty feelings of failing. (read: being human)  like the other day, when I unsuccessfully tried to articulate my perspective at a meeting and instead of just stopping and gathering my thoughts like a mature or normal person would have done, I forged ahead at full steam quadrupling the amount of words I was spewing on those gathered while not actually saying much of anything except for perhaps some unintentional criticism (and perhaps polarizing statements).  Ugh.  SO thankful that there's grace for people like me.  And you.  Us. This year.  Every year.  Every day.

3.) Have a DTR with Money.  (That's "Define the Relationship" for all you non-acronymers out there).  I'd like to make a specific goal, but I've tried that in the past and have not had much success and quite frankly with my current income situation, I'm at a loss for what would be a good goal anyway.  A thought I've long had since listening to some Dave Ramsey videos, is in regards to my relationship with money.  I think there is something hugely important about how we view money, how we spend it, and what connotation or power we give it.  I'm praying for a more accurate view of "need" and "things" this year.

4.) Be a Yogi.  I love yoga.  It incorporates a lot of important things: strength, flexibility, balance, and solitude.

5.) Study the Bible.  Signed up for a Bible study starting at the end of the month.  I hope to make this a regular practice this year like last.

6.) Share Food.  I love food.  I love cooking.  I like hospitality.  You're welcome for dinner, anytime.

7.) Finish my Paralegal Certification.  Class starts tonight.  10 credits this semester.  Here we go....

8.) Don't worry.  Have I confessed this yet?  Hi, my name is Julie and I'm a worrier.  I worry about things that have already happened, I worry about things that are yet to happen, I worry that I worry too much, I worry that I worry too little, I worry that you don't like this blog, I worry that I'll never get a job, I worry that I'll get a job, I worry that I don't keep in touch with friends, I worry that I overextend myself with friends.  You get the picture.  There's grace for worriers like me.

I'm not sure if I'm done here, some of these have been long thought-out goals: others have been on-the-fly.  There is room for improvement for sure.

Auld Lang Syne,
Julie

2011, Finally

Dear 2011,

Wow, you're over.  Unlike many of my fellow bloggies, I will not be apologizing for sharing my list of resolutions and revisiting last year's.  I love lists, remember?  And I personally like the word "resolution."

And away we go:


- Let people off the hook. Ughh. I think I reported midway through this year that this was going well - I'm not so sure about this now.  If you haven't figured out, this resolution is a coy way of saying "forgive people," and apparently I am not good at this. It often seems that just when I feel I may have reached that place of forgiveness, something happens that sparks my memory and all those painful emotions return - and with them the bitterness and unforgiving thoughts.  But, in the spirit of this resolution, I'm going to try and let myself off the hook a little, because God does, every day.

- Don't buy clothes. Success.  I'm debating whether to add this to my 2012 resolutions.  It was easier and more liberating than I thought it would be.

- Play piano. Fail.  It looks so beautiful, sitting there in all her glory, however I can't remember the last time I tickled the ivories.

- Run a half marathon or a 10 Mile. Success!!  You already know about this.  Looking forward to running season starting again - may run outside today: it is supposed to be 45 degrees!

- Blog more. Success. Ish.  You wouldn't know this, but I have about as many unpublished blogs as I do posted ones - some half finished, some barely started, all amazing.

- Pray more. Success.*  Like I mentioned before, this has been a year marked by constant conversation with God - I'm thrilled and amazed really at how He has consistently drawn my thoughts towards him.  Also, I've found myself often starting prayers with "I realize this isn't a super big deal, but..."  Because, while it may not be the world's most important thing if there's traffic on the way to the Y, I think that at the very least, God cares that I'm talking to him (whether or not he really cares if I make it to Yoga on time).

I'm excited to share my 2012 goals next time.  They are going to be ep.ic!

Sayonara,
Julita

*As mentioned previously - how does one measure "success" in this category anyway?