Contentment

Dear Contentment,

Why do you evade me?

I fear sometimes that I'll forever be stuck on the other side of the fence  (you know which fence I'm talking about - the one that divides me from the greener grass).  And in the same moment that I find myself longing for something else, I immediately feel slapped with the guilt of selfishness and ungratefulness.  And that one voice in my head tells me I should probably look up a verse about contentment and one about gratitude and get me a memorizin'.

That voice is probably right.

But it doesn't really make sense.  I mean, I say that I believe that circumstances can't make a person content and that money can't buy happiness, but let's get real here.  If there were a few less crappy situations in my life and a few more dollars in the bank, I think I'd be a happier person.  Maybe even more content.  Maybe.

Ugh.

Currently thinking of things like:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart ..."

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation ... whether living in plenty or in want."

But what does that even mean?  Delighting in the Lord?  How do you know if you have or have not delighted in him today? And what exactly is the secret, Paul?  Clearly some supernatural occurrence has to happen, because this is fairly illogical. 

Hmmm.  Maybe my issue isn't so much with you, contentment, but with hope.  Believing that contentment and peace is possible despite my circumstances and shortcomings. 

But here's the tricky part.  I've always been a dreamer.  Always had a pretty colorful imagination and the kind of person who was interested in everything* and wanted to do it all.  Couple that with having a brain that is constantly thinking no less that seven simultaneous thoughts, and you have a recipe for a.) high expectations and b.) extreme disappointment when things don't work out (enter: contentment issues).  So, where's the line?  How much can I, should I dream/expect/hope for/want/strive for?  And when do I let go and embrace reality and be content with that? Which, for the record, sounds an awful lot like "lowering my expectations", which is not something I a.) like to do or b.) necessarily know when to do. 

.........

As I type this, I keep coming back to the notion that this is first and foremost an internal issue - between my heart and soul and Jesus, as opposed to anything related to external circumstances.  Bummer.  External things seem way easier to fix than the inside of me.  And I'm a fixer.

Here's Hoping,

Julie

* Not "everything".  I had and have no interest in basketball.  After being the shortest one in the gymnasium for 4th grade basketball camp one sweaty July week , I said sayonara to Coach Dunn-Reier and buenos dias to the Stoner family swimming pool for good.