Swimmers

Dear Swimmers,

Oh? Haven’t you heard. I’m one of you now.

Yep, it’s true. I’m a swimmer.

Julie the Swimmer.

Swimmer Julie.

You see, the last letter I wrote … that was just Julie. But now, now … I am Swimmer Julie.

How, you ask? What prompted the change? Well, just a small, but exceedingly necessary item for can’thandlethechlorineinmyeyessinktothebottomeventhoughthehumanbodyissupposedlybouyant people like me:

Goggles!

Wow do these little buggers make all the difference! Thanks to the kind gift from my dear husband (and his REI dividend) I’m able to actually swim with my face in the water (instead of with a neck thrown back with fluttering eyelids trying to keep the water from getting in my eyes). AND I have no less fear of swimming into the wall, other swimmers, the lane ropes, buoys, anchors, and the like.


I’ve learned a lot in the many various two times that I’ve officially been swimming. Things like lane etiquette:

1.) When approaching a lane that is already in use by another swimmer, it’s proper to make some friendly attempt to acknowledge your desire to share the lane.
- “Mind if I swim here too?” works well.

2.) When sharing a lane, determine if you are going to go back and forth on the same side of the lane, or go ‘around’ – that is; down on one side, back on the other.
- NOTE TO SELF: always encourage separate sides! This way, you won’t feel the pressure to keep up with the other swimmer, and/or feel the defeat when they lap you. Twice. And they have about 4% body fat. And they have about 45 years on you.

Also as a Swimmer, I’ve learned that a “lap” is actually considered TWO lengths of the pool. Read: down AND back. This seems like hogwash to me, especially considering the fact that I have to stop at the end of each lap/length and take off my goggles to catch my breath.* Therefore, unless otherwise noted, the use of the word “lap” will future forward refer to the distance from one end of the pool to the other.

That being said, I swam 20 laps yesterday and 20 on Monday. It felt amazing! Certainly a more freeing, floating-on-air-like feeling than running. And if I was sweating, I wouldn’t know, because I washed right off me! My body is definitely feeling the effects of this new exercise – I’m sore in some -ahem- interesting places. But overall, I’m glad to finally be one of you.

Admirably,
Swimmer Julie

* This whole goggle thing is new for me.  While they're essential to seeing underwater, they are limiting in my out-of-water vision, and therefore cause me to feel claustrophobic and constrained.  So, when I come to the end of the lap (please see above for current definition of this word) to take a break, I feel an unavoidable need to whip off my goggles to catch my breath.  Unhindered. Also, it's a little weird to only see the bottom half of people when peering under water with said goggles. Usually I focus on peoples' faces, not their waists-and-below.

Google Images

Dear Google Images,

You inspire me.  No, not on a deep, meaning-of-life level.  More of a "that's beautiful", "what a good idea", and "I'd like to look at that everyday" kind of a way.  I've found that this searching and collecting is also a good antidote for wanderlust, oddly enough.

And I experience A LOT of wanderlust.

Especially on days like today when the dark morning came too soon, my job seems filled with little purpose and lots of annoyances, I'm not feeling especially productive or attractive, and that familiar pang of melancholy hits me everytime I look at someone's facebook or blog photo of some amazing, breathtaking place they've visited or lived. 


I usually allow myself a few minutes of self-pity for my seemingly tiny existence.



And then, if I'm still dwelling on it and have the time, I go the world wide web.  Google, specifically.



And find me some beauty....

Since it's technically spring, I've obviously been thinking about gardening lately.  This seems beautiful, but I have a feeling my actual garen will look a little more like this:

And then I begin googling for my two favorite things of late:

Birds!  (Retro, caricatures, to be specific) And fabric (and any craft project involving fabric):

Isn't this amazing?!  I think I'm going to attempt something like it ... I have a paned window waiting to be beautified.

Well, I suppose that's enough surfing for me today: time to face reality.

Your Inspiree,

@Julie

N.T. Wright

Dear Tom,

I'm digging your book.

Yes, I know you've written a lot of them.  I'm speaking specifically about the one on Galatians.  Good stuff my British chum, good stuff.

I was actually thinking about writing this letter/post a while ago, because I liked your book then too. But, I never got around to it because I was spending so much time reading your wonderful book.  (Okay, okay, about 4% of that last sentence is true .... the part about "not getting around to it" ...)

But I'm GLAD I didn't write this little post a few months ago because it would have looked a lot different than it does now.

Because, you see I liked your book then because I agreed with it. I thought I had you figured out then.  I figured that you fell in the same area on the spectrum of faith ... spirituality ... Christian doctrine ... Jesus-following .. that I did. You know the "area" I speak of: the generally reasonable, always unselfish, truly caring for others, abhorring judgement or criticism, only loving area.  So really, I thought that you agreed with me and therefore WE were right.  And thank goodness for reasonable, unselfish, loving people like us to keep all those other judgmental crazies in line and in orthodoxy.  Phew.

That was then.

And then Chapter 8 came along.

And I didn't feel like writing you a complimentary letter .... But then I did.

You remember the whole part about "being a slave to each other in love"?  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Tommy, but uh, that's not exactly p.c. around here.  Now, I know that you folks across the Atlantic might not be up on the latest fads here in the great US of A, but let me tell you, this business about "slave" isn't cool.  At all.  Have you seen the news lately??  I'm assuming you have because we're both so reasonable and intelligent - and we probably both get our global updates from the same reasonable and intelligent nonpartisan source.  Egypt?  Libya?  Tunisia?  Are any of these ringing bells?!  Slavery.  Essentially that's what these uprisings, protests, clashes, whatever-you-want-to-call-thems are all about!  These people have been oppressed (read: enSLAVEd) by power-hungry dictators for decades and are finally saying enough is enough: we deserve freedom.

So, as you can well imagine, I prickled a little when you decided to exegete some of Paul's exhortations to "Become one another's slaves (or servants) through love."  I was totally on board for the section leading up to this one (you remember, the one about freedom), but then you had to go and be all counter-cultural, offense-of-the-crossish on me and throw out words like slave and servant.  Ugh.

You see, I've had a really long day, week, year, going on four years now, and I really just needed some encouragement (I'm slowly realizing much like the word "gossip" often gets hidden behind words like "processing" and "venting"; "tickling one's ears" hides behind the much more acceptable: "encouragement".) Like the whole Freedom bit - that was encouraging.  But this whole considering-others, servants/slave-in-love stuff is just plain exhausting.  I don't really think I have capacity for it right now due to some significant life circumstances, not to mention it's absurdity.

And just when I had calmed myself down after your terribly offensive suggestion that I willingly make myself lower than someone to serve them amidst all the responsibilities and obstacles of my very important life, this terribly stubborn voice that sits deep within my soul decided to throw in its two cents:

it just might be true.  


stay open.


you've been set FREE to do this.



So, way to go, Tom.  Way to, you know, awaken the Spirit, speak the hard truth, not succumb to culturally accepted norms.  All things that people like you and I so admire. 


Your #1 Fan,
Julie

First

Dear First,

I've debated this letter for quite some time now (just about an entire year, in fact).  I don't want to be one of those people who writes slanderous messages on the internet in some pathetic attempt to gain sympathy and feelings of vindication.  I do, however, want to be honest and quite frankly, see no point in having a blog if every "letter" I write is censored for potentially offensive or controversial material (is this sounding familiar?).  That being said, as I lay awake in bed unable to sleep tonight, the whole situation between you and I was playing in my mind on repeat.  I was having one of those days where I couldn't stop thinking about it.  And then I realized two things: 1.) it has been almost exactly one year to the day when I made the decision to resign and 2.) it's like a really, really bad breakup - and I don't have closure.

So, in light of my one year anniversary of the best, hardest, most-emotionally-charged decision I've ever made, I thought a letter might do us both some good.  (Who am I kidding?? This is mostly about me, not you.  But, if you feel so inclined to respond, I am definitely open to dialog.)  See, recently I've had moments where I wished that I had been in a place (emotionally or spiritually) where I could have been honest about the circumstances of my leaving, instead of pretending like everything was fine and that I wasn't deeply wounded by my church family while experiencing the most enormous crisis of my young, newly-out-of-college, newly-married, newly-moved-to-a-different-state life. As soon as these regretful thoughts creep in though, I am reminded of the bigger picture of things: that it was best for you - the church (as in, the specific congregation I am writing to) - that my leaving be the least dramatic as possible.  And, as we both well know, us Christians like to make things unnecessarily dramatic.  So, in some ways, I am glad that I was able to suck it up and put a smile on my face for two weeks while I "transitioned out" and attempted to feign sadness when sharing the news that I was leaving. The reality is, I wasn't sad.  I wasn't even mad.  I was utterly, emotionally numb.

I think it was best for you that things went as they did so there was minimal gossip and dissension among the congregation, and it was best for me because I, quite frankly, was an emotional zombie who was counting down the minutes until I could leave for the sake of my very survival.

Do I sounds dramatic?

I think so too.

But, as this very crisis that I reference proves; life is dramatic.  More than I ever thought it would be.

That being said, it has been a year-long process of working through hurt, anger, fear, and forgiveness and fighting the very attractive urge to be bitter.  In "higher" moments, so to speak, when I have a more eternal perspective and there's more Jesus and less Julie, I am really just overwhelmed with sadness.  Not for myself, but for us - the Church, that is (the capital "c", the entire group of us on this planet who are honestly and imperfectly following this God-in-human fellow named Jesus).  I'm sad because of all people to have supported me and encouraged me and allowed me to be honest and vulnerable, it should have been you. I'm sad because I know I'm not the only one who's felt forced to walk into a church building, slap on a smile, and keep it together for an hour and a half.  I'm sad because when I share these events with others, more than a few respond with an eye-roll and a sarcastic, "Christians really know how to shoot the wounded".  Really?  Is this who you really are??  Is this what you really want to communicate to people who are desperate for genuine human connection and true purpose in life???  Is this really your interpretation of following the Creator of the universe??

Please.say.it's.not.

Again, in higher moments, I'm able to say, "I was just an unfortunate and unintended casualty."  "You didn't mean it."  "It was so awkward, how were you supposed to respond?"

But,

Is that really good enough?? What about others?  I mean, if my personal pain and tragedy were overlooked, who's else are you missing?  Who's else have you already forgotten?  I (barely) made it out okay.  God graciously provided me with a solid foundation of knowledge of Him and a few caring people around me to carry me through.  But not everyone is as fortunate as I was.  It makes me sick to think about the people that we (the capital "c" Church) turn our backs on everyday: people who are different than us; people who's problems are too big or too uncomfortable; people who don't help themselves (because, of course, God helps those who help themselves ... and no one else?), people who take up "too much" time or "too much" emotional energy.  What about these people?  Where did they go when they went fleeing, dejected and wounded?

Ugh.  I didn't intend for this letter to be an exposé on Shortcomings in the American Church, but alas.  Yes, I'm hurt.  Yes, I was wounded. And yes, I'll be fine.  But I fear for those who aren't as fortunate as I.  And, if I'm really honest with myself, some of these pangs are not actually pangs of bitterness or resentment, they might actually be pangs of guilt - for times when I've done a pretty good job of shooting some wounded myself.

Lordhavemercy.

Julie


 

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

Greetings!  I can't believe you're here already.  Since I'm a sucker for milestones and goals, you can well imagine that I'm quite excited to share with you my resolutions:

- Let people off the hook. I'm an idealist: things are either right or wrong and therefore people are either good (those who do "right" things) or bad (those who do "wrong" things)..... Enter into the gray area of relationships, human condition, sinfulness and selfishness, and divine redemption and this logic gets a little more complicated. This resolution could be subtitled "have more grace for people (and myself)".

- Don't buy clothes. Ah! I said it!  This is going to be hard, but I'm putting it in writing for the entire world to see (or at least my 8 followers) for accountability.  This is mostly motivated by finances, but also a desire to be free: I don't want material things to have a hold on me, nor do I want my physical appearance to.  I also desire a simpler life, and as much as I don't always believe it - I think I am more content with the less "stuff" there is is my life. Oh, and did I mention that I don't actually need anymore clothes anyway?

- Play piano. I would like to be better at the end of 2011 than I am now. And we have a beautiful one in our home.

- Run a half marathon or a 10 Mile.  It's been over 3 years since I ran a marathon, and the itch has returned.  Besides, the Twin Cities half marathon is in October - the best time for a race, because you have the warm weather of spring and summer in which to train!

- Blog more.  Besides the typical reasons for slacking in blog posts ("I don't have time," "who reads it anyway?"), I've realized the biggest reason I don't write as many letters is because of my perception of what others will think and my fear of offending.  I actually have a lot of ideas* of recipients for these letters - multiple ideas a day, actually, but I often weed them out before I ever hit "PUBLISH" for fear of what others will think.  I'm sick of this, quite frankly, and am somewhat surprised by this people-pleasing hangup I've developed considering some of the people I respect the most aren't those with whom necessarily I agree, but those who have the courage to speak their minds - Jeannette Walls, Rev. Gregory Boyle, Joan Baez, Janet McDonald, MLK, Fr. Richard Rohr, to name a few (perhaps future letter recipients??). So, readers beware, the potential for offense from this blog has increased, but it will be well worth it - if only for me. 

- Pray more.  I almost didn't add this one because it might be the hardest one for me to follow through on. And the thought of inconsistancy in this area is discouraging. But, in the spirit of letting myself off the hook (see resolution #1) and knowing how desparately I need time with my Heavenly Father, I'm adding it with the confidence that He is faithful and wants this more than I do.

So, dear 2011, I pray that a year from now, I will look back upon you, in much the same way that I looked back on 2010 and was filled with thankfulness for where I was and who was with me - and couldn't see anything but God's faithfulness.  

Cheers!
Julie

*I will readily admit that some of these ideas aren't necessarily post-worthy anyway ("Dear Fathead who cut me off at Lake and 22nd, Here's the number for an excellent driving school... Sincerely, Excessively Honking Lady Behind You).  I'll continue to evaluate letters before posting.

Advent

Dear Advent,
For the first time in my life, I am beginning to understand why some people dread you - the holidays, that is. I’m sure there are various outward reasons for it: the stress, the cost, the busy schedule, the overplayed Christmas carols (as if that was even possible!). But I would daresay that of those who greet the holiday season with apprehension, most actually fear something a little deeper than long lines at Target and the 10 extra “holiday pounds”.

It might just have to do with expectations.

I certainly can’t speak for all newly-revealed scrooges, so I’ll speak for myself: I’m generally a person of high expectations. Of myself, of others, of situations in general. This can be good: I set standards high and try to achieve them. This can be bad for obvious reasons: in this imperfect world, with imperfect people I am often disappointed. That being said, the holidays are often a time for great expectations ... and great disappointments.

This year, unlike years past, I am greeting the holiday season with a mild sense of trepidation. Not that I anticipate the holidays being awful - I'm just already foreseeing them being less than what I hope for - expect - you might say.
This is due largely in part to significant changes since the last holiday season:

New marriage = new family to celebrate with (or without) and different traditions.
New jobs and different schedules = less time to celebrate or no time to celebrate.
Strained/fragmented relationships = hurt, stress, anger, etc.

However, the reason for this letter is not merely to confess my holiday hang-ups, but rather to declare that instead of setting unattainably high expectations and then crashing and burning with a severe case of Post Christmas Blues, I am praying, hoping, trying to center my heart on ............ you guessed it: the real meaning of Christmas.

Seriously. Clichés aside, I am anxious to begin to engage with the Lord (and Phyllis Tickle) in Christmastide - Prayers for Advent through Epiphany from the Divine Hours. It is my prayer that I will focus on and find peace in the constancy of Emmanuel amidst the changes and challenges of this holiday season. I pray to engage my soul fully in the beauty and anticipation of Advent and rejoice fully in its fulfillment in Christmas through the prayers in Ms. Tickle’s book. (Why this book, you ask? That’s for another letter). Perhaps because of (not merely in spite of) the challenges that life has thrown my way lately, will I be able to understand and experience the hope, the joy, the beauty of Christ’s birth in a deeper and truer way.

So, Advent, you might just be the best, most fulfilling one I’ve experienced yet.

But I won’t set my expectations too high….

Most Sincerely,
Julie

U.S. Border Patrol

Dear United States Border Patrol,


What gives?
Was it our polite answers or genuine smiles that first made you suspicious? Or was it the obvious fact that we had been camping – unshowered hair, a trunk full of camping equipment, mildly exhausted faces – that struck you as out of the ordinary? OR was it that we didn’t have our story straight?

Let’s recall how that went:

Unsmiling Border Patrolman: Are you bringing anything across the border that you gained in Canada?
Alissa: No
Leah: Nope.
Julie: Just some candy bars for friends!
Unsmiling Border Patrolman: I’m going to need to you to pull over up there and come into the office.

Now, I’m going to assume that perhaps we were merely the result of a random “check”, but nonetheless, I was disappointed on the lack of welcome by my fellow countrymen. I was welcomed with open arms into the beautiful land of Canada, and what was my ‘welcome back’ experience? 25 minutes of repeated questions, detailed search of our belongings, and withholding of our passports.

So maybe I’m being a little dramatic – it really wasn’t a big hassle. And, I respect you for doing your job and keeping your citizens safe, but I’m beginning to wonder what the U.S. government has against me, because this isn’t the first time I’ve been temporarily detained while attempting to return to my motherland. Hmmm….
Until next time,
Julie